Have You Ever Tried To Enter The Long Black Branches: Mary Oliver

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?
While the soul, after all, is only a window,
and the opening of the window no more difficult
than the wakening from a little sleep.
Only last week I went out among the thorns and said
to the wild roses:
deny me not,
but suffer my devotion.
Then, all afternoon, I sat among them.
Maybe I even heard a curl or tow of music,
damp and rouge red, hurrying from their stubby buds,
from their delicate watery bodies.
For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!


This is a much longer poem, which you can read here. (caution: it has dippy music, but worth enduring for the poem)

All day today I've been feeling the tight crush of anxiety in my chest. I'm not sure why. I saw my extended family last night - maybe I'm letting in the feelings of missing them, feeling like I'm on the fringe of family, wanting to be a part of things, not sure if I'm entirely welcome. I feel like this on both sides of my family - not exactly a part of things, yet not exactly apart. Kind of nowhere. But I love these relatives so much, and I feel deeply connected in an unspoken way. My cousins and I share such similar traits: awkward yet friendly, shy but welcoming, all quirks and smiles and trying to figure out how to be in the world. I see the similarities to my dad, and I miss him, and my brother. I wish I'd stop trying to fit myself into some box and just expand to fill my own space.

This month I've decided to do two things: appreciate my job, and take better care of myself. I'm doing a pretty good job with both. I'm trying to be in my body, and be in my life. I do love parts of my job, very much. And I'm finding it easier than I thought to eat healthier, take real care of myself. It's a pleasant surprise to find out how much I like things not overly sweetened, and rediscovering how fun it is to try new vegetables. I'm really enjoying it.

I'm taking a break creatively, but I feel like there are lots of things just below the surface. It's stressful not having Terri here, and I am conserving energy and trying not to put too much pressure on myself. But I feel the urge to make new jewelry, try new painting styles, make collages, sew something... soon that urge will be irrisistible, and it will come pouring forth. I'm happy now to tend my life so that when that torrent comes, I'll be rested, healthy, happy and ready.

I feel very much like I'm in a stage of preparation, and I'm letting it just unfold. Preparing for whatever is next at work, in my creative life, in all parts of my life. I'm not feeling too much pressure to do anything but listen and wait. I like this. Waiting for the light to shine on whichever door opens next. Gathering up resources, opening my hands.